Connections 

by Scott Zimmerman

Hi! I’m Scott and I have struggled on and off for most of my life with anxiety and depression. It wasn’t until I turned 30 that I was diagnosed as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. What this means for me on a daily basis is that I have thoughts that get stuck in my head. Mostly these are worries and doubts. I worry that I may have become contaminated and that that contamination may spread to other people. Or it may be that I worry that I have forgotten about or failed in some important task. I worry that I might make a mistake that would be detrimental to someone else’s well being. 

The bottom line is that I have a general feeling that I am a screw-up, that there is something wrong with me, or that others would be better off if I wasn’t around. I feel tense because my mind won’t stop telling me that I or someone whom I love is in danger. I spend large amounts of time thinking that everything will soon fall apart. I have even been hospitalized several times for depression and suicidal thoughts. 

In the 10 years since my diagnosis I have received help from several therapists and an anti-anxiety program called Phobease. I have taken several different medications, and currently attend an anxiety support group. These have helped me out quite a bit. I am much better now but I continue to struggle and still often have times of depression. 

What I have discovered over the years is that my perception of life is often not accurate. Many times I get all tied up in knots about an issue which is much darker in my own mind than it is in reality. I am like a ship in a storm that has lost its way in the dark. I need something or someone outside of myself to lead me to a safe harbor. 

Time and time again I have found two sources of truth which make all the difference for me. These are God and other people who love me. Unfortunately, sometimes in my shame I hide from God and my family and friends. At these times I am miserable and feel alone. When I am open with God and supportive people, I find love, caring and strength. These sources of strength outside myself help to counteract the condemning messages coming from my own heart. 

There is a verse in the Bible that I love which says that we can set our hearts at rest in God’s presence whenever our hearts condemn us, for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. I find that when I stop hiding from God and tell him what I am fearing, he does not reject me. Instead I receive love from him. He tells me in his word that he knows my anxious thoughts. He tells me that he laid down his life for me. He tells me that he has a purpose for my life. 

Recently I celebrated my 40th birthday with two of my best friends. We spent three days in Yosemite National Park. You can see some pictures that were taken on that trip. To the left of the three of us in the one photo (that’s me in the grey jacket on the right) you can see the 3,000-foot rock face of El Capitan. This mountain is twice as tall as the tallest building in America. It is an amazing solid piece of granite. We admired it from a distance for several days on our trip. 

On the last day we decided to get a closer look at El Capitan. We scrambled over boulders and through thick brush to finally stand at the base of the cliff. Looking up I could barely see the top and almost fell over backwards. I touched the rock face. Such strength!! To stand close and actually touch the mountain gave me a new appreciation for the immensity of God’s creation and his power. 

That experience reminds me that when I am weak and can’t trust my own thoughts to tell me the truth, I need to reach outside of me and touch God’s strength and his truth. The Bible often refers to the Lord as a rock. He is bigger, stronger, older, and more trustworthy than even this mighty mountain. 

Next to me in the picture in which I am touching the rock face you can see one of my best friends. This reminds me that I do not experience life alone. God has given me others to help me along the way. They also strengthen me and help lead me to the truth. 

Depression tries to convince us that there is no hope and that we are alone. This is a lie. There is darkness, but morning comes. The last picture was taken on an early morning in Yosemite as the light from the sun was breaking over the canyon walls, just after a severe storm had passed. A thick mist was beginning to clear and everything was damp and cool. Sunlight brought color, warmth, and beauty. This picture reminds me of a Bible verse that says, God’s mercies are new every morning. My mind tries to tell me that everything is hopeless. God’s truth is that he brings new hope each and every day. I need this word of hope every day, because there is so much in the world and my own mind that tries to tell me a different story. After 40 years I am just beginning to discover that I’m never alone and there is always hope. My prayer is that you will begin to discover this also. 

Your Fellow Traveler, 

Scott Zimmerman