If Only – What We Say When Experiencing Loss

The nagging whispers of “If only” wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t stop trying to make sense of my husband’s death. Even though I tried to banish the thoughts, I would re-visit them once in a while.

When a beloved grandchild says something profound, I often think, “If only Milt could have seen this child, or any of his eight grandchildren.” Nothing wrong with that thought, but when I was a new widow I thought that way all the time, as if I could make Milt alive by saying it.

My friend Dan knows about “if only.” One winter day, he kissed his wife goodbye in their cozy kitchen after lunch. On her way back to work, life changed instantly. Not more than a mile from her house, glare ice coated the road and a car was coming toward her. Both drivers struggled to keep control, but they crashed. The other person survived, but Dan’s wife did not.

If only she had not driven that day… if only they had salted the road…if only she had survived the crash. “If only.”

The mind of a grieving person can’t take in the immensity of a loss all at once. The “what if” and the “if only’ phase will subside when one becomes accustomed to reality. This phase is part of the grieving process that helps a person get through this hard time. If you or someone you know is in this phase, don’t give up hope!  Reality does eventually sink in and becomes acceptance. All of this is very hard work, so be patient. It takes time to accept and finally it becomes healing.