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 Journey of a Caregiver and Her Mom
Starting From Scratch
Nancy's Niche
Mary
Anna
Darlane
Scott
Anonymous
Tsunami and Sucker Punch
Nick
Paul
My Precious Thorn
Kathy's Journey
Stroke of Clarity
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Nancy’s Niche
A small corner to share thoughts about Grief and Loss.
Nancy Markworth Brown is a writer, teacher, artist, and counselor and lives in the Twin Cities.
Loss
There are many ways that losses come into our lives! We choose a profession and find that there is a glut of that particular job. So we may be laid off and as a result, are hurting. Someone I know called it “dying a little every day,” a result of the downturned economy.
If we lose friends, jobs, or place of residence, we can feel completely unhinged.
Where do we find peace of mind? A verse from the Bible says, “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help.” The only hope is God, though we try other plans and hope for political promises. Ultimately, our trust in the Maker of heaven and earth is the most important thing. Trust that we are loved and that God cares. Trust that God has a plan to rescue us no matter what happens. Peace will come that passes understanding.
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
You’ve had a loss and you can’t get motivated again. It could be the loss of a job or the death of a dear one. Losses can be difficult and immobilizing. I’ve been there.
You can’t get over it. You can’t get around it. You’re so stymied you want to give up. "Why am I here?" you may ask.
Life is hard and there are no pat answers. It’s hard to know where to turn. But you can turn to the Rock. God is the Rock. You may say, "Why would He bother with me? I have not given Him the time of day."
That’s the wonderful thing about God. He loves you. He holds no grudges. You don’t have to earn God’s love. He stands ready to forgive you even if you lack faith. All you need to say is, “Help! I have a tiny bit of faith. Help my unbelief. Give me hope that I can go on from this devastating loss.”
When you are between a Rock and a hard place, find the cleft in the Rock and crawl inside. God will help you heal.
Frozen Feelings
Sometimes you feel frozen when grieving. Decisions seem impossible to make and your heart feels like ice. It’s one of your coping mechanisms. It’s easier NOT to feel.
Don’t let it go too long. Take some time with a trusted listening friend and limit the session to a specified time, perhaps no more than 20 minutes. Let feelings out slowly even if they come out short and choppy.
“I hurt.” “It’s bad.” “Want to crawl in a hole.”
Just know that spring is coming. That’s always true when we experience the worst winter storm; we know that one day the calendar will turn a corner. Somewhere the sun will appear. Your heart will thaw and no doubt hurt.
But there is One who heals. One who is very fond of you and weeps with you. It is much better to come out into the Son than to stay encased in ice.
Moving on—after a Loss
Grief comes uninvited and is never in a hurry to leave. People ask, “How on earth do you move on? Is there some magic way to do or be? If you follow all the steps, will it help?”
I searched for an easy answer and of course there is none. I tried a support group, counseling, silent retreats, travel, working harder… These can help, but none was a permanent solution. It’s just that grief is hard. It takes more time than you want it to. But steadily, over time, if you do the grief work, more peace will come.
It’s healthy and natural to grieve. Walk through it. Make it your unique journey. Embrace it and ask for others’ help. Know that there is One who is “acquainted with grief.” God can comfort because He understands grief. And He knows what wonders lay beyond this world. Receive strength from His Love.
You say Your Pain is Overwhelming
When I had had a great loss, the death of my beloved husband, it felt overwhelming and I felt alone. I knew it must not be true, but I felt as if no one else had been through so much pain as I had. Oh, people were very nice, but no one seemed to understand. Even older women who had lost their husbands seemed to downplay my sorrow. Some people wanted me to “get over it” so I would be “myself” again.
My pain was fresh and that made it overwhelming to me. It even hurt physically. My body ached with it. Other people seemed to deal with loss better than I. Do I not have faith? Why doesn’t God seem close like He did before?
The truth is that you cannot compare pain with pain. Your pain is unique and it’s yours alone. No one else can completely understand what you’re going through. But compassionate people can listen and hear. I did have friends who did listen and they persevered in being with me. I spent time with those people.
Later the friends who were afraid of my pain could handle me when I was on the way to healing. I forgave those who weren’t able to be there for me. Not everyone can. May God send some compassionate listeners their way if they need some. Maybe even send me!
Is there anything to gain from loss?
Loss doesn’t always mean the loss of a person. It could be the loss of a job. The loss of health. Loss of reputation. It is everything from distressing to devastating. But there are good things that can come out of it.
Believe me, I never would choose loss for myself, but when it comes to me, I ask myself, “What good thing have I learned?” The first thing is that I learn to live more in the present moment. I don’t try to wish away time to some great future. I try to savor the good of the Now. The second thing is that I realize the fragileness of life. I spend less time stressing over things that won’t matter in a year or two. I tell my friends and family that I love them more often and I tell them why I appreciate them.
Lastly, I believe I am more compassionate when I have walked in shoes similar to others. I try to listen deeply to what people are saying instead of thinking what to say next.
And I try to think before I speak.
So there is something to gain. Maybe you, too, can add to the list of gain coming out of your loss.
Don’t Bury Your Pain
Just like an old bone that your dog Fido has buried and digs up, pain from loss can resurface. Pain needs to be shared with someone who cares. Sharing pain from loss is not the same as complaining. A friend who has also experienced loss and is a good listener can be very helpful. Another way is to unload your feelings into a journal.
Walking through your grief, not burying it, is a better way to go when on your grief and loss journey. Facing the reality of the loss is hard, but when you do that, you make progress. Walking through grief is your pathway to healing.
Here’s how! Maybe you have reached out to someone else. Or maybe you spent time being grateful for the many good memories instead of bewailing the fact that they are in the past. Perhaps you have done a walk for cancer or signed up for a class or done something new that you’ve never done before. When walking through the grief, the journey has steps forward, but some are backward. This seems to be the norm for most people.
I also recommend a support group for as long as you need one. It helps to hear what others have faced and how they have progressed.
Silence After a Loss
Is silence “golden?” I sat on a dock this weekend and listened to the silence. It wasn’t completely quiet. There were bird and frog sounds, but no noise of the city, and no one talking. No radio. No TV. No crowds. It was refreshing.
However, when I was confronted by a loss, quiet seemed threatening. I wanted to be surrounded by people to blot out my pain. On the other hand, I found I needed some “alone time” to heal from my great loss. I had to allow myself relief from distractions and noise for a while.
Even a short period of silence can be healing. Guys go out to hunt and fish. They sit and wait in a bush, a deer stand, or a boat. The waiting, the quiet is good. Sitting and thinking is not wrong, even if our culture seems to say every moment must be filled.
In a park, on a porch, or in the woods, one needs to stop, to look, and to listen. Taking time to notice a plant, a leaf, or a sound of a bird can be filled with wonder and discovery. While you are listening to the quiet, know that there is a Being who is near and knows your loss and your pain. Tell it to God, the good one, who loves you. Receive the blessing of quiet peace.
If Only – What We Say When Experiencing Loss
The nagging whispers of “If only” wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t stop trying to make sense of my husband’s death. Even though I tried to banish the thoughts, I would re-visit them once in a while.
When a beloved grandchild says something profound, I often think, “If only Milt could have seen this child, or any of his eight grandchildren.” Nothing wrong with that thought, but when I was a new widow I thought that way all the time, as if I could make Milt alive by saying it.
My friend Dan knows about “if only.” One winter day, he kissed his wife goodbye in their cozy kitchen after lunch. On her way back to work, life changed instantly. Not more than a mile from her house, glare ice coated the road and a car was coming toward her. Both drivers struggled to keep control, but they crashed. The other person survived, but Dan’s wife did not.
If only she had not driven that day … if only they had salted the road …if only she had survived the crash. “If only.”
The mind of a grieving person can’t take in the immensity of a loss all at once. The “what if” and the “if only’ phase will subside when one becomes accustomed to reality. This phase is part of the grieving process that helps a person get through this hard time. If you or someone you know is in this phase, don’t give up hope! Reality does eventually sink in and becomes acceptance. All of this is very hard work, so be patient. It takes time to accept and finally it becomes healing.
Crazy Anniversaries When Grieving
Memories are made of smiles and tears. When I lost my husband Milt, the hardest anniversaries were the unexpected ones. I anticipated that Christmas would be hard those first few years, but what really got to me was the time after Christmas. This is a time that is a letdown time anyway for me. Now it was a reminder of loss. My husband would never be there to make new resolutions or new plans together for the year ahead.
Another crazy time was my first time out on cross-country skis after his death. Milt and I had enjoyed that sport very often and it shocked me how hard it was to do an old familiar thing without my husband. I stood at the top of the slope and cried.
I call these occurrences crazy, because my emotions were so erratic. One moment I felt that I had gotten through the day fairly well and life had resumed again. I missed my loved one, but all was going fairly well. Then suddenly, I plunged into tears or anger, because life wasn’t the way it was before and I missed the comfort and joy of the old way. I literally felt crazy!
As time goes on for me, instead of so much pain, I’ve been able to hold my memories close and savor them as moments of love. I have been able to thank God for these crazy anniversaries, because they remind me that I have loved and have been loved by my beloved husband.
Loneliness After a Loss
“I’m lonely,” said Joe. Alice, his wife, had died the year before and he was struggling. It had been very unexpected. Like most men, if he had thought at of it all, he expected to die first. Nothing was fun without her. He thought, “I need younger friends, but where can I find them?”
Someone told Joe about a grief support group at a local hospital. At first, he didn’t think it would help. It might be depressing. But he decided to try it and it wasn’t too bad. Everyone made him feel welcome.
He kept going and found that he could share or just sit and listen to others. It helped to know he wasn’t the only one who had lost someone as special as Alice. He enjoyed the social events the group had, the dinners and outings. Best of all, he could help the new members by listening and caring.
There are many kinds of loss. Not just death, but loss of job, loss of one of our abilities, or our mobility. It’s hard to cope with these things by ourselves. One way is to have helpful friends who have gone through the grief or loss journey.
There is another friend who never sleeps, is never too busy and is never on vacation. God is one who will walk beside you in your sorrow. Maybe you don’t believe in God yet. That’s okay. Ask Him to make himself real to you.
Maybe He didn’t answer a prayer the way you wanted it. So you are angry with Him. That’s okay too. He understands. He will always be there waiting for you because he is Love.
I hope that you will find true friends on your journey as Joe did and that some day you will find the True Friend.
Loss of Job
Oh, how I know about grief over a loss of job. It all came back to me when a friend came over. She unloaded her pain about a betrayal that forced her to put in her resignation. I have gone through a similar experience.
The worst part for her was a lack of respect. That hurt more than anything else. We desire to be valued and appreciated. Being respected is important. Because she is a woman, she was not given the chance to have input in future plans for the company. The male members of the staff did not give her the chance to be a part of the solution. She was filling in a leadership position temporarily, actually three positions. I can attest that she has tremendous gifts and talents and was an asset to the group.
We cried together and prayed together. We forgave those who had hurt her. It will be a long time before she works through all of the “shrapnel” of the hurt, but she’s on her way. In this economy, there must be many of you who are grieving over lack of a job. May you be able to forgive, if there is any need, and be healed from your wounds. May you go forth into a good future!
Dealing with Rejection
Today my friend Sue told me she was dealing with rejection. Sue asked if it was okay to grieve over it. I asked for more details. She had enjoyed a career of secretarial work. Her company had shut down, so she needed another job. She had applied for a job that matched her gifts and talents, and she was being considered. In fact, the boss hinted that she’d nailed it.
Then the big shock! Someone else was hired. She was no longer in the running.
Sue said, “I was told by friends, ‘Ignore what happened and jump back into the job search.’ But I was too weary. I felt a need to grieve and I took some time to do that.”
“It sounds as if you did the right thing. You acknowledged your pain and now you are ready to move on,” I said.
“Yes, I’m ready to renew the search and I have changed my expectations. I am open to other types of jobs as well as this kind,” she said.
She listened to the still small voice within and gave herself permission to grieve. Now she could go forward.
Twenty Wishes
I read a novel this week about widows who made a list of twenty wishes that they would like to see happen in their lives. The way these play out is interesting reading and, as in life, the results are always unexpected.
When I started my new life after my husband died, I didn’t write out twenty wishes. My one and only wish was that I could have my husband back and that wasn’t to be. Whatever moves you forward will help you to participate in your new life.
At first I did a lot of looking back to memories of my husband. Now after many years, not so much. I will never stop loving him. I will always miss him. But now, I remember sweet things about my beloved and the terrible sadness is infrequent. Thank goodness! I could not bear that initial sadness as a daily experience.
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