|
Left Behind
By Mary Fran Heitzman
On a carefree summer day, decades ago, my Dad took his own life, in the hayloft, at the end of a rope. I was 16.
I’m telling you this not because I need pity, nor do I want to bring a black cloud into your day, but rather I want to shine a light on a subject that is all too often hidden beneath a dark shroud. I want to shed light on those who are left behind.
The American Association of Suicidology tells us that each year 31,000 people in the U.S. take their own lives, and that each of those leaves behind approximately 6 survivors. That means 186,000 people annually become the survivors of loved ones who have committed suicide. Even though we are less than 2% of the population, you might at some point during our long recovery have occasion to come to our aid. And what is it that we need? How can you help us?
Those of us who are left behind fall into a pit of despair so deep we can hardly see the light of day. We need the hand of a friend to pull us out.
But how is suicide loss different from other loss? According to Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, the difference is that even in today’s enlightened society, there is still a social stigma surrounding suicide. Many survivors suffer alone and in silence.
On a personal note, I can tell you that we grapple with guilt, rejection, and the possibility of our own suicide.
Dr. Wolfelt says that “the willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk, and repetition is part of your friend’s healing process.”
Survivors of Suicide.com has this to say about respecting faith and spirituality: “If faith is part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. If they are mad at God, encourage them to talk about it. Don’t be a judge, be a loving friend.”
I remember the faith crisis I faced after my father’s death. The timing would have been all wrong to tell me about a loving God. But if the survivor’s faith is strong (mine wasn’t), offer to pray with them, or ask them if they have a favorite passage they would like you to read. Churches often have free resources. My church offers Surviving a Loved One’s Suicide[Please link to our page: Depression and Hope/Suggested Resources/Booklets/Depression & Hope], which addresses many of the spiritual and emotional needs of the grieving person.
But don’t give the booklet to the survivor just yet. You read it first. Here are a few of the Do’s contained in our booklet:
- Read inspirational literature, poetry, or the Bible. (The writer also suggests A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.)
- Keep a journal. (This helped me immensely. Over the decades, I wrote about the loss of my father a dozen times. Each time took me farther into recovery.)
- Take one day at a time. (I remember starting out by taking one minute at a time, then one hour, and then one day.)
Dr. Wolfelt says, “Listen,” but I’m adding: “Tell stories.” In my 16 years of life most of what I knew of my father was hopelessness, depression and despair. At any unpredictable time even a run of good days could be clipped short, sucking the hope out of him like a man in quicksand.
But a couple years ago I received an unexpected and irreplaceable gift. In my family research I asked my oldest brother, who is fourteen years my senior, what he remembered about our Dad that I might not know. He told me about a younger Dad with fewer bouts of depression. He told me about a Dad who loved to hunt and fish, who ran moonshine during Prohibition, who befriended hobos riding the trains along the farm. I treasure the details of my brother’s stories. If you know the deceased well, you have stories, too. So listen and tell stories.
Now you might ask yourself, Can I really do any of this? Can I pray with someone? Can I cry with them? Can I tell the stories? You might need to admit that you’re scared.
Then do it scared. Just do it.
Mary Fran Heitzman and Sharon Knudson co-authored the book, Starting From Scratch When You're Single Again (released by Strang Communications in September 2008), based on interviews with 21 women whose Christian faith offered hope as they struggled with the heartbreak of losing a spouse through death or divorce.
Mary is also the President of the MN Christian Writers Guild (www.mnchristianwriters.org).
|
