Fact Sheet on Depression

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  Grief During the Holidays

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Grief During the Holidays

by Karol Dahlof

Emotional pain needs a place and time to heal as much as a physical wound does. Few emotional pains can match the death of a loved one who was a vital part of your daily life.

The holidays can be a strong reminder of that important person who is no longer present. Because holidays, and in particular Thanksgiving and Christmas, are strongly tied to family, it is healthy to learn how to mourn losses and to acknowledge the life of the loved one who has died. Here are healthy ways to grieve the loss of a family member or dear friend:

1. Be kind to yourself. Holidays can take a lot of energy. Don’t try to do too much. Don’t host a gathering unless you feel you have the energy to do so. Allow yourself breathing spells in your social calendar to heal the emotional wound.
2. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Grieving is normal and tears of grief are very real and healing. Give yourself time everyday, if needed, to cry for ten minutes or more. Set a timer. Relax, or journal as you cry. If you bottle up your feelings, they may become uncorked at less opportune times.
3. Openly acknowledge change. Things are different since your loved one died. Traditions that once were joyous could be sources of intense pain this year. Decide which of those traditions you have the energy to include at this time. Talk with your family about which traditions are most meaningful to them, and allow each person to take responsibility for a part they wish to contribute. Divide the work among many. Be respectful of each person’s feelings of grief. Remember that life is in flux, and someday life will make more sense again.
4. Set an empty chair at the dinner table. This acknowledges that your loved one is missing and opens the door for all to talk about the sadness of their death. Each family member had a unique relationship with the person that has died, and that relationship needs to be validated and understood.
5. Share memories of your loved one. Tell stories. Remember enjoyable times, perhaps past holidays or other memorable occasions. Encourage one another to talk about what that person contributed to their life. This helps survivors to value their loved one’s significance and move from grieving the loss to accepting the death.
6. Seek professional help. If your emotions are so overwhelming that the tasks of daily life are unbearable, see a professional therapist who can help you understand your grief and guide you in the healing process.
7. Be patient with yourself. It is normal to take a lot of time, even years, to grieve the loss of a beloved person. Acceptance of the death of those who have been so important is essential. Heaven will be a place of joyous reunion, but we also need to know how to live here on earth when those we love are taken from us by death. Though painful, you will be glad you took the time and energy to heal your emotional wound.